Top 10 Red Flags in Dating Chats in 2025
Every great relationship starts with words. Yet words can also reveal when something isn’t right. In online dating, the way someone writes can be just as telling as what they write and recognizing these signals early can save a lot of pain later.
Psychologist Rovshan Muradov notes that many subtle warning signs are often disguised as charm, humor, or attentiveness. What seems friendly or flirtatious on the surface can sometimes mask dismissiveness, control, or attempts to push intimacy too quickly.
Together with Nadja Vysotskaya, CEO & Co-founder of ShineUp, who tested dating chats both as a woman and as a man while exploring ideas for the app, we’ve identified the most common red flags in 2025 – the patterns that can reveal trouble before a relationship even begins.
Low-effort openers
Sometimes the first sign of a problem shows up in the very first message. Openers like “Hi, how are you?” may seem harmless, but they often signal a lack of interest. Nadja recalls: “It feels like a dead end before you even start.”
Rovshan Muradov explains: “Healthy communication starts with curiosity. If someone doesn’t bother to ask or engage, that says a lot.”
Effort matters beyond the first message too. If you’re writing paragraphs and they reply with one-word answers, or if the conversation is always about them, the imbalance will only grow.
Moving to intimacy too fast
A common red flag is when someone pushes for intimacy too quickly. Jumping straight to sexual comments or sharing “confessions” like “I don’t usually tell people this, but…” isn’t a sign of openness – it’s forcing closeness before trust has formed.
Rovshan Muradov explains: “That’s not boldness, it’s love-bombing. Real intimacy takes time. Rushing it skips over trust and can be manipulative.”
It’s not just sexual talk. Even phrases like “You’re the only one who understands me” may seem sweet but often hide emotional dependency. Muradov notes that many seemingly harmless statements are actually manipulative or controlling, disguised as flirtation, care, or charm.
Even if it feels like chemistry, moving too fast can be a tactic to hook you before you really know the person. Paying attention to the pace of connection is key to spotting this kind of red flag early.
Toxic humor
Humor is attractive, but not when it chips away at respect. Nadja remembers being teased about her age in chats: “It felt dismissive and draining.”
According to Muradov, phrases like “You’re too sensitive” aren’t jokes at all. “It’s a subtle form of manipulation – a way to dismiss your feelings while pretending it’s playful.”
He shares an example from his practice that illustrates this perfectly. A young man, let’s call him Max, came for consultation. On the surface, his partner seemed ideal: witty, charming, and the life of every party. But in private communication, her humor was often offensive.
In chats, this took the form of constant joking put-downs. For instance, after a photo from his morning run, she might say: “Well, it’s about time, you were starting to look like a couch cushion.” When he shared news about a promotion, her response could be: “Wow, look at you go! Just don’t let it go to your head.”
When Max expressed that these jokes hurt him, she would reply: “Oh, come on, don’t you have a sense of humour? I say it with love! You’re so sensitive.”
Muradov points out that the phrase “I say it with love” is a classic manipulative tactic. It allows the behaviour to continue under the guise of playfulness while systematically undermining the partner’s self-esteem. Max felt guilty for his “sensitivity” and found it hard to argue because the criticism was framed as a joke.
The breakthrough came when Max realized that healthy humor brings people together – it doesn’t humiliate. A joke should touch a situation, but not a person’s character. Muradov emphasizes: if a joke causes pain, it’s no longer harmless humor but masked aggression – a clear sign to reconsider the relationship.
Self-glorification and disguised dependency
Not all red flags are immediately obvious. Some hide behind charm, flattery, or what seems like romance. For example, when someone insists “You’re lucky to have me,” it may feel like confidence, but psychologist Rovshan Muradov calls it “false pedestal-building” – inflating their ego while diminishing their partner.
Even lines like ‘We can meet, but I can’t promise anything’ or ‘Prove to me you’re different’ create power imbalances and set unrealistic expectations.”
According to Muradov, other common patterns include idealization (“You’re not like other people on here”), subtle emotional tests (“I had a dream you cheated on me”), and avoidance of commitment (“Let’s not label things”). Even statements that seem romantic or flattering can hide deeper issues – emotional dependency, manipulation, or insecurity – if they appear too early or repeatedly.
Complaints and blame
One of the clearest warning signs is how someone talks about others. Messages like “All women are gold diggers” or “My ex was crazy” don’t reveal their past – they reveal a lack of accountability. As psychologist Rovshan Muradov stresses: “Without accountability, trust can’t grow.” Lack of trust, in turn, can lead to hypercontrol or overprotection.
Control often shows up even earlier. Nadja remembers being blocked after not replying for just thirty seconds: “It felt absurd – as if my entire value depended on an instant response.”
Muradov explains that this kind of behavior is rooted not in care but in insecurity. “Monitoring reply times or accusing someone of talking to others is not love – it’s insecurity,” he says. Even phrases like “Why are you on here if you’re so busy?” are subtle guilt trips, designed to make you feel at fault.
At the same time, he points out that context matters. “One awkward or offbeat comment is part of being human. Trust erodes through patterns, not one mistake. But if a single phrase reveals a deep values mismatch – cruelty, racism, contempt – it can absolutely be a dealbreaker.”
Complaints and blame
One of the clearest warning signs is how someone talks about others. Messages like “All women are gold diggers” or “My ex was crazy” don’t reveal their past – they reveal a lack of accountability. As psychologist Rovshan Muradov stresses: “Without accountability, trust can’t grow.” Lack of trust, in turn, can lead to hypercontrol or overprotection.
Control often shows up even earlier. Nadja remembers being blocked after not replying for just thirty seconds: “It felt absurd – as if my entire value depended on an instant response.”
Muradov explains that this kind of behavior is rooted not in care but in insecurity. “Monitoring reply times or accusing someone of talking to others is not love – it’s insecurity,” he says. Even phrases like “Why are you on here if you’re so busy?” are subtle guilt trips, designed to make you feel at fault.
At the same time, he points out that context matters. “One awkward or offbeat comment is part of being human. Trust erodes through patterns, not one mistake. But if a single phrase reveals a deep values mismatch – cruelty, racism, contempt – it can absolutely be a dealbreaker.”
Unwanted voice notes
Not every red flag comes in the form of a shocking phrase. Sometimes it’s hidden in the way someone communicates. Nadja recalls how receiving long, unsolicited voice notes from strangers instantly put her off: “For me, that was an immediate red flag – too personal, too soon.” It wasn’t just the content, but the crossing of a boundary before trust existed.
Psychologist Rovshan Muradov explains that subtle signals in tone, timing, and rhythm of replies can be just as revealing. “If someone only texts late at night, replies with one-word answers while you write paragraphs, or always steers the conversation back to themselves, you’re not in a dialogue – you’re an audience,” he says.
These small patterns may seem harmless at the moment, but together they signal disinterest, imbalance, or a lack of respect for your time and boundaries.
AI-assisted manipulation
Red flags in dating don’t always stay the same – the behaviors may be familiar, but the way they appear evolves with time. Psychologist Rovshan Muradov points out that in 2025, one of the most notable trends is AI-assisted manipulation.
“We’re seeing messages that look polished and personalized, but they’re actually mass-generated and emotionally hollow,” he explains. “They seem intimate at first, but lack true presence. That hollowness is itself a red flag.”
Virtue-signaling as avoidance
Some warning signs are subtle, hiding behind seemingly positive statements. Profiles that declare “I’m here just for fun” or “I prioritize my peace” may sound honest, but psychologist Rovshan Muradov warns they can be masks for avoidance or an unwillingness to commit.
“People often use language about mental health or personal boundaries as a cover for selfish or avoidant behavior,” he explains.
What if you feel attracted despite red flags?
Even if you’re drawn to someone showing warning signs, that attraction often says more about your own emotional patterns than about them. Muradov notes: “Often, we’re attracted to emotionally unavailable people because it mirrors a past experience – a distant parent or a previous rejection. You’re not falling for them, you’re falling into a pattern. It feels like chemistry, but it’s actually unresolved history.”
As Nadja sums it up: “A single awkward phrase isn’t the end – we all make mistakes. But repeated patterns of dismissal, control, or low effort? That’s where you should pay attention.”
Recognizing red flags is just the start. Knowing how to communicate well makes all the difference. ShineUp is an AI-powered dating coach that helps users improve online conversations, build confidence, and form authentic connections. With the right tools and awareness, online dating can become not just easier, but truly enjoyable.